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sevenswellsJohn Frusciante quit the Red Hot Chili Peppers. That was a while ago, end of 2009.
I quit studying Japanese to focus on my career as a scriptwriter in January. I have to admit, it felt a bit like a failure. Just a bit.
I'm cleaning up my room now. I didn't want to do it for the longest time, even though it was a true pigsty, just because I knew that if I had to clean it, I would have to part from some things. Browse through things I didn't want to see just yet. I didn't want to touch all the sheets of paper bearing my Japanese lessons that were just scattered around on the floor, because of the guilt, and the feeling of failure. Not actual guilt or feeling of failure, in fact, just the fear of them.
Then, there was the old stuff. Some clothes I've been having for way too long, 10, 15 years maybe, that didn't fit me anymore, but which I couldn't bring myself to get rid of, thinking maybe I could use them again, one day (I have to say, though, I don't really have a fashion streak, I buy and wear clothes out of necessity, most of the time I consider it a hassle. Most of the clothes I own have been passed on to me by my mother or older sister, so I've never really cared about it).
But that's wrong. Maybe I can go back to the figure I had when I could wear these clothes, but then again maybe I never will. So in the mean time, I have to throw it all away, and if that figure ever comes back, well I'll just buy new fucking clothes.
I'm not 18 anymore, nor will I ever be again. I've changed, and I'll just keep changing.
I won't go as far as to say that I'm an adult now, but I've got to accept these facts, and go through my process of grief. Everything evolves, passes. My musical tastes are changing. My way of thinking is changing. I don't heal as fast as I used to when I'm bruised.
In a word : I'm aging.
When I was younger, I thought I would never change. I swore to that. I thought that was fidelity, and that fidelity was a virtue.
But change can be a good thing. The only hard part is having to get rid of the old stuff, and come to terms with the fact that the old you is long dead, and is never, ever coming back. You also have to admit that what you thought was "you" is wrong, at least right now.
That ought to be sad, I guess, but it's not. It just means more possibilities ahead. You can become... more. Other.
You can buy new clothes, ones that fit you, knowing they won't last forever.
Love new people, new music, new things of the mind, love them as much as you can, for all the time you can. Maybe those will last forever. Maybe they won't. But when it's over, you'll have to recognize it. And grieve, again. And start over.
No dust clinging to your shoes, no stagnation - which is only good when it helps you grieve, when stagnation becomes so insufferable that it forces you to move on and live.
No nostalgia. No guilt.
John Frusciante leaving the RHCP, it shocked me, a lot. Because it meant more than just a guitarist splitting from his band to me. It meant that a whole period of my life was gone. Not directly, of course, I'm a fan sure but not THAT much of a fan. It's just that his presence in the band, the RHCP I used to love, was linked with a lot of stuff in my life that are now over - what I mean is that chronologically, it corresponded to that period where I used to be someone else, someone I'm not anymore.
His leaving the band, it was a sign. And I don't mean that in a "destiny" sort of way, more in the way that it held a signification that my sensitivity can associate to now, as a culmination, a turning point.
That's what a "coincidence" is, after all.
Boy don't we have enough of a lifetime to learn how to live.
I quit studying Japanese to focus on my career as a scriptwriter in January. I have to admit, it felt a bit like a failure. Just a bit.
I'm cleaning up my room now. I didn't want to do it for the longest time, even though it was a true pigsty, just because I knew that if I had to clean it, I would have to part from some things. Browse through things I didn't want to see just yet. I didn't want to touch all the sheets of paper bearing my Japanese lessons that were just scattered around on the floor, because of the guilt, and the feeling of failure. Not actual guilt or feeling of failure, in fact, just the fear of them.
Then, there was the old stuff. Some clothes I've been having for way too long, 10, 15 years maybe, that didn't fit me anymore, but which I couldn't bring myself to get rid of, thinking maybe I could use them again, one day (I have to say, though, I don't really have a fashion streak, I buy and wear clothes out of necessity, most of the time I consider it a hassle. Most of the clothes I own have been passed on to me by my mother or older sister, so I've never really cared about it).
But that's wrong. Maybe I can go back to the figure I had when I could wear these clothes, but then again maybe I never will. So in the mean time, I have to throw it all away, and if that figure ever comes back, well I'll just buy new fucking clothes.
I'm not 18 anymore, nor will I ever be again. I've changed, and I'll just keep changing.
I won't go as far as to say that I'm an adult now, but I've got to accept these facts, and go through my process of grief. Everything evolves, passes. My musical tastes are changing. My way of thinking is changing. I don't heal as fast as I used to when I'm bruised.
In a word : I'm aging.
When I was younger, I thought I would never change. I swore to that. I thought that was fidelity, and that fidelity was a virtue.
But change can be a good thing. The only hard part is having to get rid of the old stuff, and come to terms with the fact that the old you is long dead, and is never, ever coming back. You also have to admit that what you thought was "you" is wrong, at least right now.
That ought to be sad, I guess, but it's not. It just means more possibilities ahead. You can become... more. Other.
You can buy new clothes, ones that fit you, knowing they won't last forever.
Love new people, new music, new things of the mind, love them as much as you can, for all the time you can. Maybe those will last forever. Maybe they won't. But when it's over, you'll have to recognize it. And grieve, again. And start over.
No dust clinging to your shoes, no stagnation - which is only good when it helps you grieve, when stagnation becomes so insufferable that it forces you to move on and live.
No nostalgia. No guilt.
John Frusciante leaving the RHCP, it shocked me, a lot. Because it meant more than just a guitarist splitting from his band to me. It meant that a whole period of my life was gone. Not directly, of course, I'm a fan sure but not THAT much of a fan. It's just that his presence in the band, the RHCP I used to love, was linked with a lot of stuff in my life that are now over - what I mean is that chronologically, it corresponded to that period where I used to be someone else, someone I'm not anymore.
His leaving the band, it was a sign. And I don't mean that in a "destiny" sort of way, more in the way that it held a signification that my sensitivity can associate to now, as a culmination, a turning point.
That's what a "coincidence" is, after all.
Boy don't we have enough of a lifetime to learn how to live.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-25 07:33 pm (UTC)Anyway, think of what it will be when you are my age...
no subject
Date: 2010-05-27 09:02 am (UTC)With a little help, I've come to realize that change should be seen as something, for the most part, positive. It shows that you have the ability to adapt and evolve to suit the times. Or whatever. At least you appear to have the right sort of attitude to foster some kind of growth, that's a good thing!
And putting aside Japanese in order to commit more fully to another project is not a sign of failure! Not even a little bit. After all, it's your choice, right? 'Sides, it's not like it's going to be forever, you know? Putting something on the back burner just means that you'll have a chance to revisit in the future! And I'm pretty sure that I saw in some feel-good movie, or fortune cookie, that the feelings of failure is suppose to be good for the soul or something. So if that happens, look forward to it? Maybe.
I mean, at least that what I tell myself, cuz I totally quit Japanese too! But for me, it just wasn't practical, I got my 6 credits, then wham, bam, thank you Ma'am! Another time, another place.
Believe me, change is a good thing. Rather than thinking of life as one door opened, one door closed, or Old You vs. New You, it more like Lego, your past building the foundation of your future. Life is fluid, and change comes with age and experience, but no matter the type of person you were 2, 5, 10 yrs ago, that person, is still a part of you, made you. That person's not dead or wrong, just different. I also don't believe that change and growth are as final as they may seem, people are ever changing, I mean who knows, maybe in a few years you'll get a chance to revisit your past personality traits and quirks, or even those old jeans you've hidden away at the back of your closet. Nothing is forever. Especially something as complex as human life!
And it's great that you recognize growth for what it is, whether it's through acknowledging that your tastes have changed, or moving on, and leaving the part of you that no longer jives with the rest of you, behind. And don't worry about getting older, that's what eye cream, retinol and botox is for, Babe!
It's a hell of a lot healthier that clinging on to the past! Or waking up one day and realizing that you haven't evolved as much as you would have liked. And that you're standing still. And being left behind. All alone in the rain. Without an umbrella.
Oh Fucking Hell. Look what you've started! I'm well on my way to spiral around the vicious merry-go-round of self-pity. Goddamn.
...No big deal, I'll just listen to depressing music and cry myself to sleep. Just another day in the life!
(I'm not sure if this makes me lame, and a total pretentious try-hard, but I tend to see favourite bands and favourite songs as timeless. it's not that I have exceedingly good taste, because I really don't, but when I'm in love with a song, that moment in time, the way it makes me feel, is captured in my heart always. In my mind, they never change. So when bands break up, it actually doesn't faze me that much, I mean sure, I mourn the songs they'll never write, and the performances I'll never see, (I will be forever kicking myself for forgoing Coachella a few years ago when RHCP was performing. Californication in California would have been GOLD) but they will be forever persevered in my mind. Without the drama, without the white noise, just as I've always seen them, perfection. Which is kind of creepy, and sort of points to stalker, serial killer-like behaviour. Nice! Also, unfortunately this is just another uncool sign of how I refuse to let go of the past, and how pathetically I just can't change, damnit! Annnnnnnd, resume sob fest, now!)
:D
no subject
Date: 2010-05-30 11:12 pm (UTC)Anyway, think of what it will be when you are my age...
Sue Sylvester will be our role model. Twenty-nine, can you imagine?
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Date: 2010-05-30 11:20 pm (UTC)I know my post may sound emo, but it isn't, really, I felt a little bit melancholy, but other than that, I think it might be something positive for me too ^^
Or waking up one day and realizing that you haven't evolved as much as you would have liked. And that you're standing still. And being left behind. All alone in the rain. Without an umbrella.
Well, I guess we have pretty much the same take on things, that is to say, it's important to evolve and not wallow in the same shape and place forever. I know it's my philosophy, anyway, I would be mortified if I realised one day that I had lost the will to move on and evolve. Bearing that in mind, everything is possible to us, right? ^^
It's true what you say about the bands, they *are* timeless, it's just my perception that changes. Because I'm a truly obsessive person, I know I won't like them with the same passion - well I'd still like them and think their songs great, but maybe it would be more like nostalgia, more precisely nostalgia of how I used to be when I listened to them with passion.
Mmmmh I'm not making much sense I'm afraid, better go to sleep!
ILU babe, you're awesome, always remember that!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-31 08:07 am (UTC)My life is over !