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sevenswellsTitle: Hoshi no Suna
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sevenswells
Rating: PG 13
(One True) Pairing: Gackt/Miyavi
Warnings: Not safe for work, yaoi, angst, alternate universe.
Word Count: 1 576 w.
Comments: So here we are! From the beginning to the end, this fic is dedicated tokamexkame, she did a truly incredible job and had all the patience in the world correcting my mistakes. I don't know what I'd have done without you, darling: thank you, a lot.
This chapter is dedicated to her, but also tosupacat, whose fics made me a believer, thin_lipid, without whom I would've never had the idea to translate it in English, mattiezumi who practically acted as a whole cheerleading squad all the way, and to all of you who've been reading this fic and commenting so kindly on it, thank you.
As a present, here's a link where you can download the song that inspired the fic, Hoshi no Suna, if you don't already know it:
http://www.megaupload.com/fr/?d=V4IEFS3O
Note: [Hoshi no Suna is] the B-side to Gackt's single, Tsuki no Uta. I find both songs to be basically two parts to the same storyline. Both are about love and loss, both focus on the importance of a song related to the moon. Structurally, the titles and time signatures mirror each other. While Tsuki no Uta is a ballad in 3/4 featuring acoustic guitar, Hoshi no Suna is a ballad in 3/4 featuring piano. While Gackt usually pairs songs that are opposite of one another to be an A-side and B-side, the similarities of this single's pair also creates a rather dramatic effect.
Author:
sevenswells Rating: PG 13
(One True) Pairing: Gackt/Miyavi
Warnings: Not safe for work, yaoi, angst, alternate universe.
Word Count: 1 576 w.
Comments: So here we are! From the beginning to the end, this fic is dedicated to
kamexkame, she did a truly incredible job and had all the patience in the world correcting my mistakes. I don't know what I'd have done without you, darling: thank you, a lot.This chapter is dedicated to her, but also to
supacat, whose fics made me a believer, thin_lipid, without whom I would've never had the idea to translate it in English, mattiezumi who practically acted as a whole cheerleading squad all the way, and to all of you who've been reading this fic and commenting so kindly on it, thank you.As a present, here's a link where you can download the song that inspired the fic, Hoshi no Suna, if you don't already know it:
http://www.megaupload.com/fr/?d=V4IEFS3O
Note: [Hoshi no Suna is] the B-side to Gackt's single, Tsuki no Uta. I find both songs to be basically two parts to the same storyline. Both are about love and loss, both focus on the importance of a song related to the moon. Structurally, the titles and time signatures mirror each other. While Tsuki no Uta is a ballad in 3/4 featuring acoustic guitar, Hoshi no Suna is a ballad in 3/4 featuring piano. While Gackt usually pairs songs that are opposite of one another to be an A-side and B-side, the similarities of this single's pair also creates a rather dramatic effect.
On Hoshi no Suna, translated by Mina-P,
http://www.senshigakuen.com/translations/lyrics/gackt/hoshi_no_suna.htm
The old lady shoots daggers at Gackt without even trying to conceal her hostility. He, on the inside, is finding it fun.
-I don't like you, she spits out with a final tone, her eyes never leaving him.
-You don't?
He's having more and more fun. He thinks this situation is refreshing.
-I don't know what happened and it's not my problem, ultimately. This child thinks I notice and know nothing: but I do have TV. I know who you are.
She's caught his attention: he lets her go on.
"My old age isn't a sign of weakness, rather, it has bestowed me experience. I don't need to be protected and, notwithstanding that tender shoot who flatters himself that he needs to do it, surely I saw a lot worse in my life. That's why I can guess, in broad outline, the things you did to him to make him change so much. Did you think you were acting smart? Did you have fun? You had no right."
This last remark, absurd, doesn't ring any bell in him. He doesn't get it. The old lady has ceased to amuse him by now. He doesn't really listen to what she says next:
"But then again, it's not supposed to be of any concern to me. I don't like you and that's that." She looks up at the clock on the wall. "It's almost dinner time, he won't be long. When he arrives I'll take up my old unknowing geezer part, and I would have you play along."
He nods gravely, but he doesn't pay her words any heed. They remain like this, staring stonily at each other, calmly opposed, like generals before battle. When the main door finally slams, and the voice of the one Gackt has come to meet makes itself heard, the old lady stands up, very dignified, and her expression changes. Her traits soften when her grandchild enters the room.
Gackt stands up in turn.
He is surprised by what he feels when he sees Miyavi.
First, the astonishment he reads on the young man's expressive face, then fear and finally the fluttering pain that doesn't elude him either, all of this pleases him, and he had expected this. What surprises him is the intensity of this pleasure, and also, the lust. Which is not, as he had calculated it would be, a vestige, some residual heat that would have come up to the surface to warm up his feelings towards him. It's a lust of iron, piercing, plural. He's lusting to take him, right here, he's lusting to make him hurt, again, to take pleasure out of it, again. Miyavi's very obvious, raw fragility leads him on, sharpens his predation. It reminds him of the time he had stood before him, defying, fists clenched, insolently demanding something that was out of his reach. He had been, as always, irrelevant, out of place. Even at that time, he couldn't fit anywhere. Seeing him now, in this grotesque uniform of a common worker, he seems, more than ever, inappropriate, in neverending conflict with himself and everything around him. He's beautiful, thinks Gackt.
The old lady pretends that some groceries are missing for dinner and she has to go out to buy them. As she's announced before, she makes believe she doesn't understand anything about the situation. She's smiling as she exits, affable and harmless.
At last they're alone together. It's Miyavi who speaks up first, despite the fact that he looks ready to go to pieces anytime. Gackt finds himself on familiar grounds: the unpredictability of his young lover.
-How did you find me?
The question is simple, the answer is easy, and why not begin with that, indeed.
-A girl had taken pictures of you and had posted them on some forum. All I needed to do was to contact her.
-How did you know that I'd be here precisely, at this hour?
-You mother told me.
-You talked to my mother?
Miyavi starts to shake. It's his body's reaction to the dilemma that's tearing him apart; the conflict residing in him is more apparent than ever. Gackt lusts after him, more than ever. But they've come to a point of equilibrium where none of them knows what is going to happen. Gackt revels in this moment: the range of possibilities is open to infinity. Of course, Miyavi ends up rushing it, as always, head first, like a bull in a china shop, without bothering to think of the consequences:
"Now what?"
He doesn't look him in the eye. That's the beauty of it: he has the courage to speak up and break the balance, but he can't simply lift his eyes up to face him once and for all.
"Now, what, he says again. You've come for something, haven't you? If it's to fetch me and take me back to Tokyo, you can... you can go get stuffed. I don't need you. I'm doing just fine here. Don't you come and fuck up my life.
Gackt starts to laugh, because it's very funny. And the funniest part of it is that he really doesn't know where all this is going to lead them. He came without any precise goal. There had obviously been incomprehension, and anger, at the beginning, normal feelings for that kind of happening, someone leaving you. He ended up controlling them, and stored them away, with the other ones. When he found trace of him again, he had simply had to come see him: that was the right thing to do. But now they're face to face, lines are moving, the deal keeps changing, perpetually. Something comes into being inside of him, or maybe it's the lust assuming another shape. Gackt realizes that indeed, he wants to take him back with him.
There it is.
The goal's fixed.
Miyavi starts when he takes one step forward and says out loud:
-Okay.
-Okay what?
He's panicking. He can't escape.
"Don't come near me.
-You don't belong here. Come back with me to Tokyo.
-I didn't belong there either! I'm doing much better here, leave me the fuck alone!
His voice is raising. Tears of rage and helplessness form at the corner of his eyes. He's beautiful. Gackt walks a few more steps. The distance between them shortens.
-What makes you say that?
-Are you shitting me? What kind of fuckhead are you? You're the one who threw me the fuck out!
-Lies.
He's beginning to understand.
-Shut the fuck up! It's true!
-You left.
-You threw me out, Miyavi hollers, don't come anywhere near me!
Gackt is now very close to him, one breath away. He says softly:
-Or else what?
He holds his hand out and Miyavi comes to nestle his cheek in it. He's stopped shaking. He's looking him straight in the eye at last. He, too, starts to murmur - although there's no reason to, since they're alone:
-No. I won't follow you.
-Are you scared?
Gackt asks gently.
He caresses his cheek. It's warm. A tear rolls down the back of his hand, following a random route; it stops on the edge of his little finger. He comes closer still to put his forehead against his, framing his face between his two hands.
-I need more, says Miyavi. You'll never tell me what I want to hear.
-You belong...
-No.
-...you belong with me.
-No. I need more.
Gackt moves back. He doesn't understand anymore, the connection is broken. The mutation speeds up. His own heartbeats speed up. He has to find something, or else he'll lose him:
-Come back with me, to Tokyo.
How bizarre, he's repeating himself: he can't find his words anymore. It never happens to him.
Miyavi smiles painfully:
-I have no reason to.
There it comes, the breaking point, Gackt can feel it.
-I have plans for you. I'll put a new band together; I'll need you, as a musician. You are unique. This is what you're meant to do. This is what you're born for.
No, he'll never tell him what he wants to hear. He'd rather be incoherent.
"Accept."
He didn't want to say it in such a desperate tone, but he's feeling the collapse, inside.
They're here, it's too late.
He's witnessed that kind of ending way too often not to recognize it.
All of a sudden, with an ultimate impulse, he takes him in his arms, and starts to talk, hurried words, that don't match him, he talks, he talks, without stopping, to prevent the world from crumbling down:
"I'll never say it to you. They're words that never ring true, they're only meant for songs. They never come at the right time. They're the only words that really don't make any sense. They're meant to end, to lock up, to bury; they kill the feelings they represent, they suck them dry like leeches. They have to be kept for the doomed and dying ones, because that's what they are: morbid words.
-I'm doomed. I'm dying. Say them to me.
Slowly, their embrace loosens. Miyavi, from the tip of his fingers, picks the tears from Gackt's eyelashes and takes them to his mouth.
Gackt kisses him and embraces him again, but that doesn't suffice either.
So he makes the sacrifice. He kills the both of them:
-I love you.
He adds, for the third and last time:
"Come back with me. To Tokyo."
Miyavi gives his answer.
http://www.senshigakuen.com/translations/lyrics/gackt/hoshi_no_suna.htm
The old lady shoots daggers at Gackt without even trying to conceal her hostility. He, on the inside, is finding it fun.
-I don't like you, she spits out with a final tone, her eyes never leaving him.
-You don't?
He's having more and more fun. He thinks this situation is refreshing.
-I don't know what happened and it's not my problem, ultimately. This child thinks I notice and know nothing: but I do have TV. I know who you are.
She's caught his attention: he lets her go on.
"My old age isn't a sign of weakness, rather, it has bestowed me experience. I don't need to be protected and, notwithstanding that tender shoot who flatters himself that he needs to do it, surely I saw a lot worse in my life. That's why I can guess, in broad outline, the things you did to him to make him change so much. Did you think you were acting smart? Did you have fun? You had no right."
This last remark, absurd, doesn't ring any bell in him. He doesn't get it. The old lady has ceased to amuse him by now. He doesn't really listen to what she says next:
"But then again, it's not supposed to be of any concern to me. I don't like you and that's that." She looks up at the clock on the wall. "It's almost dinner time, he won't be long. When he arrives I'll take up my old unknowing geezer part, and I would have you play along."
He nods gravely, but he doesn't pay her words any heed. They remain like this, staring stonily at each other, calmly opposed, like generals before battle. When the main door finally slams, and the voice of the one Gackt has come to meet makes itself heard, the old lady stands up, very dignified, and her expression changes. Her traits soften when her grandchild enters the room.
Gackt stands up in turn.
He is surprised by what he feels when he sees Miyavi.
First, the astonishment he reads on the young man's expressive face, then fear and finally the fluttering pain that doesn't elude him either, all of this pleases him, and he had expected this. What surprises him is the intensity of this pleasure, and also, the lust. Which is not, as he had calculated it would be, a vestige, some residual heat that would have come up to the surface to warm up his feelings towards him. It's a lust of iron, piercing, plural. He's lusting to take him, right here, he's lusting to make him hurt, again, to take pleasure out of it, again. Miyavi's very obvious, raw fragility leads him on, sharpens his predation. It reminds him of the time he had stood before him, defying, fists clenched, insolently demanding something that was out of his reach. He had been, as always, irrelevant, out of place. Even at that time, he couldn't fit anywhere. Seeing him now, in this grotesque uniform of a common worker, he seems, more than ever, inappropriate, in neverending conflict with himself and everything around him. He's beautiful, thinks Gackt.
The old lady pretends that some groceries are missing for dinner and she has to go out to buy them. As she's announced before, she makes believe she doesn't understand anything about the situation. She's smiling as she exits, affable and harmless.
At last they're alone together. It's Miyavi who speaks up first, despite the fact that he looks ready to go to pieces anytime. Gackt finds himself on familiar grounds: the unpredictability of his young lover.
-How did you find me?
The question is simple, the answer is easy, and why not begin with that, indeed.
-A girl had taken pictures of you and had posted them on some forum. All I needed to do was to contact her.
-How did you know that I'd be here precisely, at this hour?
-You mother told me.
-You talked to my mother?
Miyavi starts to shake. It's his body's reaction to the dilemma that's tearing him apart; the conflict residing in him is more apparent than ever. Gackt lusts after him, more than ever. But they've come to a point of equilibrium where none of them knows what is going to happen. Gackt revels in this moment: the range of possibilities is open to infinity. Of course, Miyavi ends up rushing it, as always, head first, like a bull in a china shop, without bothering to think of the consequences:
"Now what?"
He doesn't look him in the eye. That's the beauty of it: he has the courage to speak up and break the balance, but he can't simply lift his eyes up to face him once and for all.
"Now, what, he says again. You've come for something, haven't you? If it's to fetch me and take me back to Tokyo, you can... you can go get stuffed. I don't need you. I'm doing just fine here. Don't you come and fuck up my life.
Gackt starts to laugh, because it's very funny. And the funniest part of it is that he really doesn't know where all this is going to lead them. He came without any precise goal. There had obviously been incomprehension, and anger, at the beginning, normal feelings for that kind of happening, someone leaving you. He ended up controlling them, and stored them away, with the other ones. When he found trace of him again, he had simply had to come see him: that was the right thing to do. But now they're face to face, lines are moving, the deal keeps changing, perpetually. Something comes into being inside of him, or maybe it's the lust assuming another shape. Gackt realizes that indeed, he wants to take him back with him.
There it is.
The goal's fixed.
Miyavi starts when he takes one step forward and says out loud:
-Okay.
-Okay what?
He's panicking. He can't escape.
"Don't come near me.
-You don't belong here. Come back with me to Tokyo.
-I didn't belong there either! I'm doing much better here, leave me the fuck alone!
His voice is raising. Tears of rage and helplessness form at the corner of his eyes. He's beautiful. Gackt walks a few more steps. The distance between them shortens.
-What makes you say that?
-Are you shitting me? What kind of fuckhead are you? You're the one who threw me the fuck out!
-Lies.
He's beginning to understand.
-Shut the fuck up! It's true!
-You left.
-You threw me out, Miyavi hollers, don't come anywhere near me!
Gackt is now very close to him, one breath away. He says softly:
-Or else what?
He holds his hand out and Miyavi comes to nestle his cheek in it. He's stopped shaking. He's looking him straight in the eye at last. He, too, starts to murmur - although there's no reason to, since they're alone:
-No. I won't follow you.
-Are you scared?
Gackt asks gently.
He caresses his cheek. It's warm. A tear rolls down the back of his hand, following a random route; it stops on the edge of his little finger. He comes closer still to put his forehead against his, framing his face between his two hands.
-I need more, says Miyavi. You'll never tell me what I want to hear.
-You belong...
-No.
-...you belong with me.
-No. I need more.
Gackt moves back. He doesn't understand anymore, the connection is broken. The mutation speeds up. His own heartbeats speed up. He has to find something, or else he'll lose him:
-Come back with me, to Tokyo.
How bizarre, he's repeating himself: he can't find his words anymore. It never happens to him.
Miyavi smiles painfully:
-I have no reason to.
There it comes, the breaking point, Gackt can feel it.
-I have plans for you. I'll put a new band together; I'll need you, as a musician. You are unique. This is what you're meant to do. This is what you're born for.
No, he'll never tell him what he wants to hear. He'd rather be incoherent.
"Accept."
He didn't want to say it in such a desperate tone, but he's feeling the collapse, inside.
They're here, it's too late.
He's witnessed that kind of ending way too often not to recognize it.
All of a sudden, with an ultimate impulse, he takes him in his arms, and starts to talk, hurried words, that don't match him, he talks, he talks, without stopping, to prevent the world from crumbling down:
"I'll never say it to you. They're words that never ring true, they're only meant for songs. They never come at the right time. They're the only words that really don't make any sense. They're meant to end, to lock up, to bury; they kill the feelings they represent, they suck them dry like leeches. They have to be kept for the doomed and dying ones, because that's what they are: morbid words.
-I'm doomed. I'm dying. Say them to me.
Slowly, their embrace loosens. Miyavi, from the tip of his fingers, picks the tears from Gackt's eyelashes and takes them to his mouth.
Gackt kisses him and embraces him again, but that doesn't suffice either.
So he makes the sacrifice. He kills the both of them:
-I love you.
He adds, for the third and last time:
"Come back with me. To Tokyo."
Miyavi gives his answer.
the end
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 10:31 am (UTC)I'm speechless
That was gorgeous o-o
*going to reread the whole thing right now*
I'm so sad it's over though ;-;
no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:38 pm (UTC)I'm so sad it's over though ;-;
It's the greatest compliment ever. ILU! <3
no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 11:20 am (UTC)It's been a great read. Definitely hope you write more..erm, in English.
Thank you dear and have a merry Christmas!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:39 pm (UTC)I really hope you'll like the next fic, it's very weird, though. If not, maybe I can write you something that you like? RyoxKame maybe? ^^
no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 05:58 pm (UTC)Anyways I'm already excited about your next fic...Gackt & Miyavi & Yakuza...it can't go wrong.
And YOU are such a sweet person.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 11:21 am (UTC)I really enjoyed this story - it was unique
I'm sorry it's finished now but you did a great job - I shall be reading it again
no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:48 pm (UTC)Apart from that, thank you, for the compliments, and for commenting here, it means a lot, it really does. <3
no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-24 01:15 am (UTC)What I love about your writing, is that through the point of Miyavi's view, Gackt is just so confusing. There are times when he just seems so... unreal and out of reach like in the early parts of the story, then there are times where he's just so human, like in this chapter and Kami's death. It's pretty much like how I saw Gackt in the early days of my fandom.
It's been an amazing read. Thank you for granting me such pleasure and a merry christmas and a happy new year!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 09:00 pm (UTC)Thank you so much, that's exactly it, it's exactly what I wanted to convey!!!
Thank you for commenting here, too, and for reading it til the end; I'm glad I managed to share my feelings on this beautiful pairing with you guys (I might sound a little like a lunatic from some kind of cult, but it's just that I really was implicated in it, and it's so cool that you actually liked it ^^)(yay!)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-26 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-31 03:46 am (UTC)miyavi...gackt's weakness. what a beautiful thought
this has been a great ride. thanks and have a great year ahead!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 06:02 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for all your comments on this fic, they have been super sweet and encouraging! I'm really really glad you liked the end, and this pairing (made in heaven heheh)
(and sorry for the late reply, I have issues with punctuality, obviously ^^;;; )
no subject
Date: 2009-01-04 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 06:05 pm (UTC)And thank you for having read it to the end and commented here. ^^
(and so so sorry for the late reply m(_ _)m )
no subject
Date: 2009-01-14 05:47 pm (UTC)You have such a way with words!!!! *points accusingly at you while simultaneously clinging to your leg* ARGH!!! I don't even know what to say!!!
I'm wracking my brain to find the words to say how much I love this! I must say though, the thing I loved best, I think, is that although this is the end, it doesn't feel like the end! There's just so much room for possibility! And I love that you ended this fic that way!
How on earth did you come up with this?!?! All that stuff about love? GENIUS! Genius, I tell you! Gackt IS such a morbid freak! I love that he was willing to sacrifice all, using those three little words, to get Miyavi back my his side.
And that changes EVERYTHING! The whole of the relationship dynamics has shifted! Even just looking at this chapter, how Gackt starts off all smooth and suave, with an arrogance that just won't quit! Then gets reduced to babbling incoherently, almost to the point of pleading, begging Miyavi to understand where he's coming from, whereas Miyavi's transformation is completely opposite, until he's the one catching the tears of the other with his fingertips! So beautiful, this image you've painted!
You've put all the pieces together so elegantly, your characters have depths that I doubt even THEY know of! Seeing Miyavi through Gackt's eyes was especially refreshing, I could really feel the intensity of his feelings through his assessment! It was heart stopping!
I'm not even kidding you, I had to physically brace myself to read this chapter, I was (still am!) so excited!
Strange thing though, I haven't been around for awhile, and first thought was how freakin' lucky I was that you finished the fic in my absence and that I had a whole bunch of chapters to read in a row! I mean, I'm still super lucky, but I actually didn't zoom through them like I thought I would, impatient to get to the end. I found myself making up random excuses, putting it off by writing disabled comments, rereading chapters, almost ...lingering to prolong the experience!
And what an experience it has been! Hahah, I laugh at myself now, but it was really as if by delaying reading the last chapter, it wasn't actually over! Silly me! But it had to be done! There was no way I could go any longer without knowing whether they both got their Happy Ending or not, but it was well worth the wait!
But enough of this! I LOVE IT! EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!
These last chapters, especially, I feel really gave this fic shape, as odd as that sounds! This was such a fun journey! Surely not good for my heart, randomly stopping and starting, and going faster and slower, as your writing is prone to make it do, but most surely, completely, worth the heartache!
Looking forward to what the future brings!!!
Cheers, Babe!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 06:16 pm (UTC)So so sorry. I have no excuses. It was super rude, please excuse me, especially since I love all your comments so much - they make me so happee!!
But, seriously, too much compliments! You killed me! I'm completely OVERJOYED that you liked it so much, I really feel like hugging you (whoa, sorry, I didn't mean to say it in that creepy way, but... in a... less creepy way. You know.)
You make me want to keep going, now, even though I've been so down and my inspiration has been so dried out lately - thank you. I mean it. I feel really lucky that you came to read this fic.
You rock, babe.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 06:19 pm (UTC)And... thanks for the love and inspiration, too, I really need it lately. T_____T
(LOL@ your icon, btw, LMC for the win! And Thor quote for the win too! I approve of everything! XD )
no subject
Date: 2009-03-06 02:48 pm (UTC)You write like a dream. its so captivating :D will def reread this over and over again ♥♥♥
no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-13 07:10 am (UTC)and I can absolutely say that if I was PMSing I'd be a mess of snot and tears at this last chapter..
BUT I'M STRONGER THAN THAT GODAMMIT.
srsly man, your words are just so yummy I could make a five course meal out of them <3
and I'm a sucker for gacktxmiyavi xD
no subject
Date: 2013-09-02 11:24 pm (UTC)Gorgeous, well executed fic. I thought your characters were perfection, alive right to the fingertips, and somehow I empathised with all of them. Terrific job, thank you very much.